Protect Your Neck: Things You Should Never Say To a Black Woman.

Yesterday we had depth. Today, we go practical.

Lions, tigers, and bears? Mere childsplay.

Having automotive problems in a low-income community where the population has a combined annual income of 37 cents and a stick of gum? Sounds like pure sunshine.

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Having the tongs of Thor clamp down on my nether regions in the universe’s most intense game of “Uncle”? I scoff at such displays of plebianism.

Pissing of a Black woman? I’d rather eat my spleen with Captain’s Hook and Iago’s beak.

I know grown men who are deathly afraid of Black women. Now, that’s not to say that we’re afraid of them in general, it’s more the wrath of a nubian queen when she’s tested by somebody she doesn’t deem worthy of handing out Scantrons. And that’s just when your order is wrong at a restaurant. Heaven (only knows) forbid you ask her a dumb question! You’re looking at a possible full on embarassment with a side of “somebody musta done told you wrong.”

By the way, this is not just something white people do. This transcends race as people of all spectrums have gone wronger than MC Hammer at H&R Block. Take a gander, but leave my money, beeeyotch.

1. “Girl look at your a**, your a** is so phat!”

Aside from the general uncouthness here, unless you’re on a pr0n video shoot, there’s no good reason to just utter this out of the blue. Well, not directly anyway. Yelling from afar where it is difficult to discern who said it is probably the best time to do that. Now that I think about it, if you are able to tell how phat a girl’s bootay is from at least 300 paces, I definitely think that you should call attention to it as a sort of community service. Fine hind parts are to be admired and respected, and shared with the viewing public. Oh and if the chick’s name includes -qua, ‘, *, or a number (or any combination thereof), you can totally say this to her and it will be received well.

Liiiiiiiiike, “Hey Qua’qua*qua0, girl, look at your a**, your a** is so phat!”

“Oooooooooooooh, Steveandoorestadojuan, I know. You ain’t gon’ touch it though, you got the cooties.”

2. “B*************tch!”

Unless you’re another Black woman, this is frowned upon more than Amy Winehouse at a Mother’s Against Looking Like Sh*t meeting (MALLS). Plus this one almost GUARANTEES a response. God forbid she’s of Latino descent because you’re going to get cursed out in syntax you’ve never dreamed of.

3. “You are so ghetto.” <—See how I enunciated that? I speak so well. Bumaye Obama.

Especially if you aren’t Black. Not sure when white people started to think they knew what “ghetto” was – probably after the South Central LA movie rush of the early 90s and then anything starring Mo’Nique thereafter – but that’s one of the worst things you can call a Black woman. For one, you’ve probably never seen ghetto…until that moment. You see, some of us Black people have misplaced priorities. We like to enlighten the endarkened whenever possible. So if you call a Black woman ghetto, well, she just might show you ghetto. And it generally starts with your face meeting the ground and ends with two girls one cup.

4. “That’s why he’s dating white women.”

Ouch. If you are ever in earshot of this comment and there are Black women present, grab your Orville Redenbacher, move your chair and watch the fireworks. I envision this conversation would go look something like a pirahna attacking a teddy bear holding a picture of a starving kid from Colombia or Compton. You see, in a Black woman’s mind, there is no good reason why he’s dating a white woman, but you for DAMN sure don’t know why. And lawdhelpyou if her name is Qua’qua*qua0.

5. “You smell like chicken.”

Unless of course she does in which case, bite her.

6. “Black women have too much attitude.”

Do not poke the bear. Speaking of bears, was Winnie the Pooh gay? Or just eternally high?

7. “Your child looks Lavar Burton.”

Them’s fighting words.

8. ” Oh my gosh! Your hair is so rough!”

I actually can’t think of a single time this could ever have a positive spin to it. I mean, it might hurt my feeling if somebody said to me, “Panama, your hair looks like a brillo pad threw up and had triplets on your head”. And I’m bald. Chemo. Just don’t do it.  Mel Gibson doesn’t hate Jewish people as much as that Black woman will hate you.

9. “If you will suck my soul, I will lick your funky emotions.”

Cuz, like, ewwwww.

10. “You look like the Earth.”

Unless she has on a headwrap. At which point, just start singing, “pick yo’ afro daddy, because it’s flat on one side.”

Okay, don’t do that.

Anyway, folks , what are some other things you should never say to a Black woman?

Someone stop the world!